


we were all we needed

by heroinchic



Category: Trainspotting (Movies)
Genre: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP IM ON MY FEELS, M/M, the last taylor swift album has destroyed me, this couple is always good to play tragedy! sadness! loss! acceptance!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:27:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28086162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroinchic/pseuds/heroinchic
Summary: the one in which Mark gets married again (w another woman) after living with Simon for a few years and everything goes to hell because they dont know the importance of communication. they are junkies, after all.
Relationships: Mark "Rent Boy" Renton/Simon "Sick Boy" Williamson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	we were all we needed

Simon looked over his shoulder at the door for the fourth time. Nothing. Its fine. Its nothing really. Mark just went on a date and it was three in the morning and he hadn’t come back yet. Which was totally fine and nothing that affected Simon. It was all cool. Cool. Cool.

He looked over his shoulder at the door for the fifth time. Cool. Cool.

Mark didn’t really deserve all the attention Simon was giving it to him to be honest, there was space for only one person needy for attention and that place was for Simon.

Who decided that suddenly Mark was going to keep him awake with worries and a little bit of curiosity? Nonsense. Complete nonsense.

It was Simon who made Mark wait, since they were young, two decades haven’t changed that. It was Simon who made Mark wait. Not the other way around.

Five days ago they were sitting on the same couch, with Mark passing him another beer while he showed him funny tweets.

Now he was alone. Mark’s plate in the microwave with the food Simon had cooked for both. It wasn’t the end of the world; it was nothing really. It felt a little bit off to have the knowledge of what Mark’s going to be doing or was doing already, who knows? Who cares? Simon figures, and decides to go to bed.

He couldn’t sleep until he heard the door open followed by the <<tlick>> of Mark’s throwing the keys on the counter.

‘’Why are you so quiet now?’’ Mark asked out of the blue the next morning, they were having breakfast, Simon didn’t know where his appetite went and he had decided to ignore the fact that it might had to do something with Mark having a third date with the same woman for the first time in four years . He felt uneasy and curious.

‘’Because I want to be quiet is that a problem for you Mark?’’ he snapped, Mark furrowed his eyebrows at the same time he chuckled. This type of drama queen reactions from Simon were nothing new, but there was no reason for him to be mad at all.

Simon composed, sitting straight on his chair, and pushing back the plate of cereal he had in front.

‘’What the fuck is your problem?’’ Mark tried to sound humoristic even, but Simon only looked at him like if he was going to break a leg of the chair to stab him on the neck.

‘’There’s no problem at all Mark’’ he got up and slammed his door shut.

‘’Tonight? But tonight it’s movie night’’ he couldn’t hide the disappointment voice.

‘’Yes, but she wants to meet you tonight why is that a problem? We can watch a movie tomorrow’’

Simon heart fell at the sound of this, because he suddenly imagined the scenario in which they would never see a movie together again, that they would be completely apart again, with Mark living with that woman. It was all official now, Mark wanted to introduce his new girlfriend.

Girlfriend becomes a pathetic term at your 50’s.

But there were they, Simon and Mark’s girlfriend, Jessa, 29, American, blonde with a pixie cut and the same ideological compass as Mark, they had dinner together (microwave spaghetti prepared by Simon ‘’you should thank me because I cooked something for your college girlfriend, you cunt’’) tight smiles and trivial conversation.

They watched a movie, Simon even laughed at one of the girl commentaries and that was it for the night, that, and the fact that he avoided looking at Mark the whole time. It felt like a sting to look at him and seeing how he smiled for someone else.

The girl stays the night, Simon listens to them having sex, unintentionally, is pretty much a torture but he knows he used to do the same when they were young and he kissed Mark in the morning and by night he fucked someone else, next to Mark’s room, so it was just all karma doing his work.

But karma was really a bitch.

When Mark told him he was moving out to live with Jessa, Simon laughed.

-‘’Did you know about that famous Argentinian football player? He died today’’ Simon said without taking his sight from the cellphone screen.

‘’C’mon Simon don’t get like that?’’ Mark said

‘’Like what? What you mean?’’

‘’About me leaving, don’t you have anything to say bout it?’’

Leaving.

Leaving.

Leaving.

Leaving.

Just like he did twenty-four years before.

Simon wanted to do something, but he didn’t have the courage to confess what he wanted.

Instead, he just shrugged.

‘’You can do whatever you want I don’t understand why you ask me for shit’’

‘’Im not asking you’’

‘’Well I don’t care if you leave here or in the fucking street’’

‘’I knew that you would do this, overreact’’

‘’I knew that you would think I’ll give a shit’’ he went into his bedroom, slamming the door shut.

He wanted to say a lot, he wanted to tell him how he wasn’t bored of him just like Mark had gotten bored of him and went to fuck a college girl. He wanted to tell him that he had a huge problem, they both had a huge problem because Simon was actually in love with him. Pretty much to be honest. He was surprised how to have Mark around in just his boxers complaining about the current politics, was a thing that he would miss so much, so, so much.

But he didn’t said anything when Mark finished packing up the little stuff he had.

Two months of that and Simon was sure he had drank all the whiskey in Scotland and snorted all the cocaine of Leith. He didn’t wanted to admit he was heartbroken because the man he let back in had left again. They didn’t talked anymore, often he would receive a call from Mark just to check if Simon hadn’t overdosed. Small talk and the silence that followed after a ‘’I miss you’’ from Mark.

Simon couldn’t say it back, because it would be followed by a litany of cries for him to come back. It was pathetic.

He spend Christmas with Spud and Gayle, Mark spend Christmas with Jessa’s parents.

Its cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

‘’I know that it’s hard for you Sickboy’’ Spud said while they shared a beer in the front porch.

‘’About what?’’ Simon knew what. He wouldn’t admit it.

‘’About Mark leaving, I know’’

Simon didn’t knew if telling him to fuck off or ignore the question. So he did the one thing he never did: the told the truth.

‘’Yes, it is’’

Spud didn’t say anything, didn’t move. It was weird to get out a semi-emotional confession from Simon, but he continued.

‘’It’s not like the first time, I mean, he’s not gone-gone, rite? He’s like fifteen minutes away from here but still. I was used to live with him, that’s it’’ he took a long sip from his beer. Spud just nodded. It was nice to let one true out and having someone just listen to you and your whines.

Before leaving, Spud gave him a bunch of old photos from when they were young.

The particularity about them it was that they were all of Simon and Mark together, nearly fifty photos and all of them.

Smiling, with their arms around each other, playing football, smoking outside a concert, high as fuck at a club, in a train, in a bus, in a park. They were there and they where all they needed.

Simon spend nearly two hours watching the pictures while drinking the bottle of wine Gayle had gifted to him. Thinking about calling Mark and telling him that this was silly, that he should come back home, that they where all they needed.

It was pathetic, Simon’s desires were childish. At least he thought so.

At the weeding, while he shared tight smiles with the guests and memorized his speech, he tried to remember the reason why he had agreed to be best man, all that sentimentalist bullshit that Mark used to convince him was utterly ridiculous, ‘’you are like my brother, and I need you there, I need you because if you are not there im going to feel terrified. You need to be there. I need you there’’

How do you tell ‘’you are my brother’’ to the same man who ate your ass just two months prior to his stupid idea of getting marry with a girl who was twice younger than him.

But Simon accepted, he would give the speech and everything.

The reception was decorated with magenta and white, yellow flowers everywhere, Jessa came from a rich family, they payed for the whole thing. Everybody was asking why such a young girl had married a fifty year old man with a heart disease and a heroin addiction.

But Mark looked happy, after all, he had a worried look on his eyes as Simon stood from the table and shook his fork delicately against a glass of champagne.

Simon smiled at him, maybe the most authentic smile he had give him in the past two years and it was mostly for the champagne that was now making his drunks effects on Simon. Mark smiled back, Simon felt like throwing up, his hand shaking all sudden.

‘I’m not gonna dig deeper in the mechanics of a matrimony because I’ve never had one, but I know one thing and that thing is that Mark Renton deserves this. This, whatever it is, love, or desperation or a last hurrah, he deserves this…’’ he froze, no one made a sound, Mark wasn’t smiling anymore. ‘’Desperation’’ was a rough word for any kind of speech.

‘’He deserves this, because I can see how happy it makes him. And because I have seen him being unhappy with the wrong person before. Or maybe it was the right person but that person made him miserable. that person was cold and took him for granted their whole time together, and it was a long time because they knew each other since elementary school. But even the time couldn’t prevent from that person to fuck things up, over and over again. Even when Mark disappeared from the face of earth for two decades, that person never had the value to putting on the work of commit to him. Which was easy, because if you knew Mark Renton deep enough, you’ll find out that loving him is the easiest thing you’ll ever do and the hardest thing to forget and get over with…’’

A couple of coughs and Jessa’s frown made him stop the speech, his voice was shaking a little bit, and Mark was looking at him with a gleam of a tear in his eyes, he looked furious, he looked so tired, even in his weeding date Simon was hurting him.

But that wasn’t Simon’s intention, he only wanted to tell all the stuff that he had been keeping inside since that august night, two years ago; Mark on his knees, holding a ring, looking at Simon with a silent prayer crossing his eyes. The fact that they had been living together and loving each other every night made it clear that they weren’t just normal roomates. They were old enough to know better. Setttling down seem obvious at this point. But panic spread on Simon’s body and mind like a cancer. He never had felt so scare.

That august night, ‘’no, are you out of your mind Mark? what are you doing?’’

And the huge fight that followed, Simon didn’t slept in the house for a week, and when he returned everything was different. Mark was different, he was acting like if nothing ever had happened, he even was nicer than usual. He had also moved all his stuff out of Simon bedroom. They never shared a bed again. No more kisses, not even when they were drunk, no more shared looks across a room, no more holding hands on empty streets.

Two months after that august night Mark had met Jessa. Simon had time to tell him all the shit that he was saying now in the weeding, but he couldn’t do it until now. It was like he was possessed, the words just kept coming out of him.

‘’….and I knew that because I truly appreciate Mark. That’s how I know, Mark, that u deserve, so, so much better than what that bitch could ever offer you, you wouldn’t have to deal with any of their shit, you wouldn’t have to carry him in your shoulders, and you wouldn’t have to hear that he- she, that she regrets every second of the hell she made you go through by not putting value to your love and never gave you a reason why.’’

Mark didn’t look furious anymore, he looked profoundly defeated, somehow, he had lost the battle too.

‘’…so, a toast for your love and Jessa’s love, who deserve each other. And I trust you Jessa, that you going to take care of my best friend.’’

A few claps here and there and the music went back on. The sound of a bitter celebration to losing your soulmate.

He went outside and lighted a cigarette. Heard heavy footsteps behind him a few minutes later.

He knew it was Mark.

‘’We wouldn’t have lasted, you know?’’ Mark said, standing by his side without looking at him, they were both looking at the black sky. Like two old man reminiscing to the time when they knew everything, when they were young running through the streets with stolen items in their pockets, when they just knew that they belonged to each other, but also knew that their love would ruin their lives, would drive them crazy and impossible to be together, because they knew themselves, knew how much damage they could cause to each other and they would do it, because they hate themselves so much that it hurts. they used to love each other so much that it didn’t work out, if that makes any sense.

‘’Who knows?’’ Simon replied.

Mark threw off a poor attempt of a laugh.

‘’How is it possible that you make a weeding speech about yourself? Literally, who else in the earth?’’

That made them laugh both, clearing the air for a moment.

‘’For what we deserve’’ Mark said, rising his glass of champagne. Well, he had lost his best friend and the love of his life, but he had gained a toast to that. Cheers. He hit his glass against Mark’s.

Simon knows that this is the last time he is going to see him when he drops him at the airport a week after. And it hurts like hell. Mark was going to live to America.

‘’Call when you get there’’ after a hug that lasted a little too much. But that wasn’t enough for Simon, as he watches him disappear in the turmoil of people. His feet felt heavy, he cant move, or talk. He wants to curse Mark, he wants him to ache like he is aching. But he deserves this, each had their own karma, Mark had pay for his mistakes before, now was Simon’s turn. Over and over again, he would end up losing. That seemed to be the rule to this cruel game that was his life. The multitude of people dissipates for a moment and he gets to see Mark, holding Jessa’s hand, saying something that made her laugh.

Simon remembers when that was his place. When they were just sitting on the coach drinking beer while Mark showed him funny tweets. 

He brushed it off and walked away. What else he could do?

Three years later, on Simon’s funeral, Mark was standing at the podium, looking at a crumpled piece of paper that contained words that didn’t make any sense because since the day he found out of Simon’s death, nothing made any sense, Jessa had help to write the speech, but those words weren’t his so he couldn’t feel them, he just couldn’t say something fake on the funeral of his best friend. His lover. His once in a lifetime.

‘’Simon was the kind of person who thinks they know everything, and although this was something that could unnerve us, it was also one of his best qualities, because he knew how to wish you the best, he knew what you needed, he knew what I needed and he was there to give. But one thing he never knew is that for me he was enough, for me he was everything I needed and I never told him. And I don't think I can forgive myself for that. and ... sorry I can't continue. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything.’’

He went outside and lighted a cigarette, trying to compose himself.

And for a brief moment he could swear that he heard Simon's heavy footsteps behind him, and waited forever to hear his laugh.

That became a habit. After dinner he would go out and sit on the porch for a moment and light a cigarette, imagining that Simon was laughing next to him, like at the wedding, after Simon said the closest thing to an apology in his life.

And one thing that always tormented Mark is that he never told him "I forgive you" Shit, he didn't even say "I love you" but he tried to tell him every day, even though he was no longer on this earth, he said it every time when he would go out on the porch and smoke that cigar. The time went by, ten, twenty years, hoping that one day, when his heart gave up and died, he would hear Simon's laugh at his side.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u so much for reading :) <3! hope u enjoy this one in this beautiful and depressing season. 
> 
> cheers!


End file.
